EGO CHECKING - by Bill Cottringer
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A popular catch phrase today is "check your ego at the door."
Actually you really don't want to do that. Sometimes the only thing you
have that holds you all together is your ego. What you do want to leave
behind though, are the more subtle negative behaviors of your ego, that
interfere with good interpersonal relations-especially effective
communication. These are the things that keep you from going from good to
great in learning how to be successful.
Personal growth is a process of finding out what good habits to
cultivate and what bad ones to eliminate. Knowing what bad habits to get
rid of is only the beginning. You have to figure out how to do this.
Fortunately the mechanism is already in place. If you are motivated to
learn and grow, you will gradually become more aware of your bad habits,
as they happen. The more you witness these things happening, the more
uncomfortable you become and the more you will think about why you don't
really want to do these things. You eventually learn to replace them with
something more positive.
There are seven positive behaviors of your ego that you want to
cultivate and there are seven counter-parts you want to eliminate. These
things all work together and the end result is the Golden Rule in action.
REVERENCE VS. RUDENESS
The truth of the matter is that we are all guests on this planet and
we have an obligation to respect everything-especial ly our fellow human
beings. Research reveals that the majority of people say politeness helps
produce a perception of likability, which paves the way for positive
influence. Unfortunately, national research reveals that politeness is on
the decline. What a paradox.
The lesson is, if you want to be noticed and have a positive
influence on others, be reverent and polite. On the other hand, rudeness
is at the top of the list of what influences a perception of unlikability,
which results in unfavorable outcomes with people. The choice should be
easy.
EQUALITY VS. SUPERIORITY
We are all born equal, but somewhere along the line we get the notion
that our achievements somehow make us superior. If you have worked hard
to be successful you have a right to feel superior. But this feeling is
something you have to keep to yourself, because other people aren't really
interested in your achievements- especially if theirs are on the light side
and they are feeling inferior.
When you make a concerted effort to communicate equality with others,
they are more likely to listen to you; when the subtle hints of your
superiority leak out in your talk and actions, people's ears turn
elsewhere. Cultivate equality and eliminate superiority.
FREEDOM VS. CONTROL
We humans all have a common characteristic: We are natural rebels
about being controlled. That is a condition we will fight against with our
last breath. Hence any talk or behavior that insinuates forceful control
will always be met with rebellion. One powerful ego is never quite
adequate enough to dominate even the weakest one.
If you are in a position of being in control, this becomes somewhat
tricky. You have to look for other ways to influence people in the
direction you want them to move, other than by using the authority you
have been given. And if you are in the undesirable position of having to
impose a negative sanction, you may have to get creative and give a few
options that allow for some perceived freedom.
ACCEPTANCE VS. JUDGEMENT
Most of us are already our own worst critics and the last thing we
need is someone else piling on the bad news with more judgments against
us. When we perceive that we are being judged negatively, it makes us feel
misunderstood and even inferior. These sorts of feelings tend to make us
retreat into a defensive posture-with a mixture of hurt and anger-where
communication normally shuts down.
Another reason to try and eliminate your habit of judging others is
that your judgments aren't always correct and they often turn out to be
pre-mature once you get all the facts. Suspending your judgment and taking
the time to find out exactly why somebody is doing something that might
not meet with your approval can be enlightening.
TENTATIVENESS VS. CERTAINTY
What do any us really know with 100% certainty? Maybe a few useless
details and a few useful principles. Most of life is tentative and
evolving. Although some of us seem to want the certainty that provides
security, we know that it is only temporary. Sometimes the brain deceives
us by its drive to simplify. Critical thinking teaches us that things are
rarely a clear yes or no, at least not without some qualifications
The only thing certain today is change and anyone who professes
differently will be met with skepticism and even rejection. In the
interest of learning and growing, you should be concerned about disproving
your questionable beliefs, rather than gathering supportive evidence to
perpetuate the artificial certainty of false ones.
INCLUSION VS. EXCLUSION
A strong human need is to be included. When someone else excludes us
or rejects even part of our ideas, it doesn't make us feel good. Someone
once said to me, "dismiss only that which offends your soul." You can go
from good to great by looking for ways to include everything and anything
that doesn't offend your soul.
Everyone has a piece of the puzzle to contribute, and we can all
benefit greatly by looking for ways to include what others think and feel.
An attitude of inclusion incorporates many of these other positive ego
behaviors and can be a very powerful influence with others. At the very
least you will be increasing useful knowledge.
EMPATHY VS. INSENSITIVITY
The more you do these other six behaviors, the more your power of
empathy grows. Empathy allows you to understand other people's thoughts,
feelings and perspectives and when you begin to communicate that
understanding, you are making a friend for life. Such friendships
encourage continued growth and lead to success.
By practicing these positive halves of your ego and eliminating their
negative counter-parts, you will increase your positive influence with
others and be more successful.
About the Author
William Cottringer is a Success Coach, College Teacher and Writer from
Collinsville, IL. He is also author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It
Too.
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